Where is my Beyonce?

Yeah, yeah...I'm WAY behind in blogging.  Considering I reach an audience of approximately two people, I'm pretty sure the world hasn't stopped turning just yet.


Let's see...not being good about the gym or the diet...maybe that update will be more impressive next time.  Oh wait - I did have time to start a diet, lose 14 pounds, stop the diet and gain 9 of them back.  Totally forgot that part.  Maybe my real action item between now and the next blog is to be less productive.  I can totally do that.


My faithful traveling companion / natural disaster initiator shared this awesome blog with me Knock Knock, MoFo.  It is 110% worth the read, unless you're wearing mascara and don't want to look like a raccoon after the fits of laughter.  Seriously.  Read it.

Now that you've read about Beyonce, you can imagine the lessons I've learned from it.  Don't be passive aggressive.  Make statements... preferably via large statues of poultry...but definitely get your point across in a memorable manner.  Always ask yourself, "what would Beyonce do?"

Would Beyonce tell the new boss off?  Probably not.  Obviously, she's classy and the strong, silent type that observes at first.  When an annoying, crazy ex-acquaintance won't leave you alone and wants to have a passive aggressive argument with your old cell phone...what would Beyonce do?  Oh, she'd definitely email a bitch.  I listened to my inner Beyonce and she is smart.  Of course, Crazy Girl is still trying to make contact with me a month later.  I thought "we were never friends...leave me alone" was pretty clear, but maybe she needs a Beyonce at her door.

One should be careful not to get carried away when making statements, though.  A co-worker was a victim of a Wal-Mart incident earlier this week.

What in the world?  Hit and run?  Nope...no scratches or paint marks.  Shopping cart gone wild?  Nope.  Freak meteor shower?  Nope.  Ass impact after ripping out a weave in a girl fight?  Clearly.  Now that's high class...how did you end up in jail?  I ripped a girl's weave out and hit a car with my ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Do not ever question my hatred for Wal-Mart again.  Seriously.

How Many Ways Can You Say Awkward?

Let's skip the counting and go straight to the answer.  "No, New Boy, I can't go out with you on Sunday because I'm going to a sex toy party with my ex boyfriend's mother."  Pretty much sums up my current world.

So, when Old Boy and I broke up, I lost almost all of my social circle.  I know, they were his friends first, but for whatever reason, I really thought they would still be my friends on the side, too.  Umm, no.  Silly me.  A handful of people still acknowledged my presence, one of whom was the ex's future sister-in-law.  As part of her pre-wedding fun, her future sister-in-law is throwing her a "brown bag party."  And her future mother-in-law is coming.  Woo freaking hoo.  I feel like I should go...but should is such a dirty word...and yes, the New Boy did ask what my plans were for Sunday and I confessed.  We flirt about polygamy...adding a sex toy talk to the mix can't hurt, right?

In other exciting news, I took on new projects at work today.  I'm really excited about the opportunities and getting new exposure, etc.  I have a sneaking suspicion that this is somewhat contradictory to the whole "work less, live more" goal of this experiment.

Oh, and the gym?  What's that?  Haven't been since I started the blog!  I think I'm starting to make Charlie Sheen look like an actual winner.

Why Not?

Until recently, I would have described things in my personal life as terrible.  Last year I ended a disastrous relationship and lost the majority of my social network, threw myself into work, let my job become entirely too much of my life, pulled away from the few friends that stuck with me through the breakup, and generally became a bitchy, mean girl.  Oh - and I dealt with it all by gaining more weight that I care to admit.  Hello, pity party!

Then, as in all good stories, something amazing happened!  Not winning the lottery amazing, unfortunately, but in the long run, maybe the emotional equivalent of finding a lottery ticket with almost all the numbers.  Now I just have to find the missing pieces and I'll get to cash it in for a life I truly appreciate and enjoy.  

What happened, you ask?  I found a blog that put my whiny ass right in its place.  Big Girl + Little Girl  If Kate's story of figuring out how to triumph over a tragedy of such magnitude doesn't make my "troubles" seem insignificant, I don't know what could.  I have never met Kate, nor do I have much in common with her, but she has inspired me to appreciate every minute because you never know when things will go completely off track and change forever.  So now I just have to figure out how to do that.  Unfortunately, it's not as easy as just making the decision.

What keeps me from enjoying every minute?  Am I the person I want to be?  Do I want to share my world with anyone?  Why not leave my comfort zone?  How do I get to happy?  

The obvious answers include working less, finding more time for fun, and re-introducing myself to the gym.  The less expected answer to the questions of stepping outside of my comfort zone and sharing my world with someone else became "why not try online dating?"  This is completely out of my character and I expect it may be my ticket to a Lifetime movie.  However, my rule for the year is try (most) anything once.  This should be interesting...