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What Not to Date

If nothing else, my friends and I are becoming experts at who not to date.  If you eliminate the guys below, will there be any left?

Ladies, beware when confronted by the following men:

Men who habitually use bad grammar and spelling (they should at least be trained to use spell check by the time they reach adulthood).
Men who have more emotional baggage than you.
Men with multiple felonies.
Men who are over 30 and live at home by choice.
Italians.  Yes, all of them.  If in doubt, refer to MTV's Jersey Shore.
Australians - Don't get fooled by their accent and liberal use of "crikey."
Men who play WoW/Call of Duty.
Men who are/might be virgins or near virgins.
Men who can't handle you drunk and obnoxious (once in a while).
Men who you can't tolerate without being drunk.
Men who tell you they love you before you've ever gone on a date.
Men who don't get along with your family.
Men who have never done anything, thereby making you dumb your own adventures down in order not to look like you're bragging.
Men who freak out about driving on the highway.
Men who think leaving their town/suburb qualifies as traveling.
Men who have dumped you before/told you to get out of their house (and meant it).
Men whose family you can't get along with absent the benefit of therapy.
Men who hunt and expect you to get up at 5 am to go sit in a tree so that you can hunt...or perform sexual favors so they can stay awake.
Men without ambition.
Men who have not been to college.
Men whose jobs require excessive traveling and UN men in general should be evaluated with a more skeptical eye (through STD testing and marriage/divorce/birth records search).
Men who are restaurant managers.
Men who cannot use any toilet but the one in their own house.
Men who have a sick obsession with Elvis.
Men who say things like "I'm going to blow."

The driver of this car...complete with race car seat belts and helmet.

This guy, for sure...and the one driving...

This list can, and will, be updated at any time.  Check back often.

More Rules

A collection of rules I've heard or decided upon in the last few weeks...

1 - It is a good general rule to aim to keep one's hoo-ha off camera.  This came up in discussion with a pregnant friend recently, but I think it's a good life rule.  You never know when you're going to end up pissing off whoever has the footage.  I think mean girls are more likely to end up on camera, hoo-ha to the world, but they are also more likely to piss someone off.  Not to mention, you don't want to throw away your shot at being President / World Dominator with one drunken picture. 

2 - If a new boy invites you to a hotel that advertises with a "Rooms for $39.99" sign...RUN.  I'm not saying the Red Roof Inn is for hookers, but...well...yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying.

3 - If you're going to lie about being a world traveler, do your research!  I recently went on a date with a boy who had supposedly been to Dublin time after time.  Having just been to Dublin myself, I mentioned the Dublin Spire (aka The Spike, The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto, The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin, The Stiffy at the Liffey, The Erection in the Intersection, The Rod to God, etc.) and he had no clue what I was talking about!  Perhaps the dye from his purple, blue, and red hair affected his memory...or perhaps he's a sociopath...

4 - Always travel Republican.  See below.  Enough said.

5 - Baby talk isn't cute.  Ever.  I don't even like it when directed at actual babies, but will make an exception for humans under the age of two.  That's it. 

  

Where is my Beyonce?

Yeah, yeah...I'm WAY behind in blogging.  Considering I reach an audience of approximately two people, I'm pretty sure the world hasn't stopped turning just yet.


Let's see...not being good about the gym or the diet...maybe that update will be more impressive next time.  Oh wait - I did have time to start a diet, lose 14 pounds, stop the diet and gain 9 of them back.  Totally forgot that part.  Maybe my real action item between now and the next blog is to be less productive.  I can totally do that.


My faithful traveling companion / natural disaster initiator shared this awesome blog with me Knock Knock, MoFo.  It is 110% worth the read, unless you're wearing mascara and don't want to look like a raccoon after the fits of laughter.  Seriously.  Read it.

Now that you've read about Beyonce, you can imagine the lessons I've learned from it.  Don't be passive aggressive.  Make statements... preferably via large statues of poultry...but definitely get your point across in a memorable manner.  Always ask yourself, "what would Beyonce do?"

Would Beyonce tell the new boss off?  Probably not.  Obviously, she's classy and the strong, silent type that observes at first.  When an annoying, crazy ex-acquaintance won't leave you alone and wants to have a passive aggressive argument with your old cell phone...what would Beyonce do?  Oh, she'd definitely email a bitch.  I listened to my inner Beyonce and she is smart.  Of course, Crazy Girl is still trying to make contact with me a month later.  I thought "we were never friends...leave me alone" was pretty clear, but maybe she needs a Beyonce at her door.

One should be careful not to get carried away when making statements, though.  A co-worker was a victim of a Wal-Mart incident earlier this week.

What in the world?  Hit and run?  Nope...no scratches or paint marks.  Shopping cart gone wild?  Nope.  Freak meteor shower?  Nope.  Ass impact after ripping out a weave in a girl fight?  Clearly.  Now that's high class...how did you end up in jail?  I ripped a girl's weave out and hit a car with my ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Do not ever question my hatred for Wal-Mart again.  Seriously.