Red Flags and Rose Peddles

I knew my last relationship was over when my ex called me his "little rose peddle."  It wasn't a typo.  He repeated it multiple times...and each time I fought back the urge to vomit all over my phone.  Since it was a brand new iPhone...that he was supposed to give me the money for...I resisted the urge.  Looking back, I should have gone with it.  Of course, when we look back it's always easier to see the red flags.

A friend of mine is equally gifted in picking out winning boys to date, but I got an email today that let me know she's learning!  The grasshopper may surpass the teacher soon.

Email received today - names changed to protect the innocent and deter the pathological.

Okay, so the back story to this is that this guy (Jake) is the home owners insurance guy who came out after those storms to check Casey's roof.  She immediately called me and told me how awesome he was.  I, of course, am remembering Albie who was also "perfect" for me.  I sent him an email and today get this reply.  I'm thinking serial killer.  Look at his grammar, lack of capitalization, lack of punctuation, run on sentences...including "lol" in the middle of an email.  And the "have a good day and ill be watching."  I'm hoping he meant he'll be watching for my email...not that he'll be stalking me.

(This part is why we're friends.)  Of course I will continue to correspond with him, for entertainment value and research, but I just wanted to point out that I am learning - I can see the red flags.


For your entertainment, Jake's response -

"I hope she did also.  Sorry it has taken me so long to respond i'm just so busy today is the first time i have checked my personal email in weeks.  So what exactly has she said about me and my baby face?  I will check my email more now so if you want you can email me back and maybe we can get to know each other a little, or as well as you can through email lol.  Have a good day and ill be watching."

Ick.  Not dating material...unless perhaps he bites his nails (Nail Theory) and has interesting tattoos/piercings...but that's for another blog.  For now, I'll hope no one ends up in a Lifetime movie or a rose peddle situation.

Lucky

While recently trying to convince a friend that she has lots of good things in her life despite the current challenges she is dealing with, I was reminded that I might not always be vocal enough about realizing how lucky I am.  I'm good at bitching.  Hell, I'm great at bitching.  I should be clear, though, that I do know I have it good.

I went to Europe in May and had a great natural disaster free time.  Several times during what has become an annual trip I thought to myself "is this really my life?  How did I get so lucky?"

As usual, there were different tones to these questions throughout the trip. 

The glass wall I walked into head first.
Lesson learned - never underestimate
the importance of a morning coffee.

The bus on top of which I perched for a great
view of Dublin.  Until I was hit in the face by a tree.

Me...heels...alcohol...cobblestone.
You do the math.

Why does the world think Americans are dumb?
Oh yeah...

And my tone changes
while walking through Angels and Demons.

The second set of Spanish Steps we found...
subway shortcuts should be used with caution.

Keats and I in the same place?  The Republicans loved it!

One of my favorite moments ever.

Maybe my business casual dress code isn't so bad after all.

Three countries in two days.  Magnets!

Impressive.
Doubles as a no-holds-barred mosh pit Sundays at noon.

Behind the scenes of Vatican City.

Maybe I hit a beggar with an umbrella here.
It was totally not intentional.
Really.

Dublin is awesome.  Best weekend of the year.

Who doesn't love a musical pub crawl?

Temple Bar in Temple Bar.

Some awesome Irish musicians.
I wanted to take them home with me.
Should have at least bought the cd.

The Dublin Spire...aka The Spike,
The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto,
The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin,
 The Stiffy at the Liffey,
The Erection in the Intersection,
The Rod to God, and the end of Liberal Boy.
(Buh-Bye LB)

Brugges

The small beer...
The waiter laughed at me for ordering it!

Not a bad place for after work happy hour.

Who doesn't love a year-round
Christmas-ish tree with scary birds on it?
Every hotel should have one.

So yeah, in conclusion, I know I'm damn lucky.  Watch out, though, the bitching will resume tomorrow.

Love It!

What Not to Date

If nothing else, my friends and I are becoming experts at who not to date.  If you eliminate the guys below, will there be any left?

Ladies, beware when confronted by the following men:

Men who habitually use bad grammar and spelling (they should at least be trained to use spell check by the time they reach adulthood).
Men who have more emotional baggage than you.
Men with multiple felonies.
Men who are over 30 and live at home by choice.
Italians.  Yes, all of them.  If in doubt, refer to MTV's Jersey Shore.
Australians - Don't get fooled by their accent and liberal use of "crikey."
Men who play WoW/Call of Duty.
Men who are/might be virgins or near virgins.
Men who can't handle you drunk and obnoxious (once in a while).
Men who you can't tolerate without being drunk.
Men who tell you they love you before you've ever gone on a date.
Men who don't get along with your family.
Men who have never done anything, thereby making you dumb your own adventures down in order not to look like you're bragging.
Men who freak out about driving on the highway.
Men who think leaving their town/suburb qualifies as traveling.
Men who have dumped you before/told you to get out of their house (and meant it).
Men whose family you can't get along with absent the benefit of therapy.
Men who hunt and expect you to get up at 5 am to go sit in a tree so that you can hunt...or perform sexual favors so they can stay awake.
Men without ambition.
Men who have not been to college.
Men whose jobs require excessive traveling and UN men in general should be evaluated with a more skeptical eye (through STD testing and marriage/divorce/birth records search).
Men who are restaurant managers.
Men who cannot use any toilet but the one in their own house.
Men who have a sick obsession with Elvis.
Men who say things like "I'm going to blow."

The driver of this car...complete with race car seat belts and helmet.

This guy, for sure...and the one driving...

This list can, and will, be updated at any time.  Check back often.

More Rules

A collection of rules I've heard or decided upon in the last few weeks...

1 - It is a good general rule to aim to keep one's hoo-ha off camera.  This came up in discussion with a pregnant friend recently, but I think it's a good life rule.  You never know when you're going to end up pissing off whoever has the footage.  I think mean girls are more likely to end up on camera, hoo-ha to the world, but they are also more likely to piss someone off.  Not to mention, you don't want to throw away your shot at being President / World Dominator with one drunken picture. 

2 - If a new boy invites you to a hotel that advertises with a "Rooms for $39.99" sign...RUN.  I'm not saying the Red Roof Inn is for hookers, but...well...yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying.

3 - If you're going to lie about being a world traveler, do your research!  I recently went on a date with a boy who had supposedly been to Dublin time after time.  Having just been to Dublin myself, I mentioned the Dublin Spire (aka The Spike, The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto, The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin, The Stiffy at the Liffey, The Erection in the Intersection, The Rod to God, etc.) and he had no clue what I was talking about!  Perhaps the dye from his purple, blue, and red hair affected his memory...or perhaps he's a sociopath...

4 - Always travel Republican.  See below.  Enough said.

5 - Baby talk isn't cute.  Ever.  I don't even like it when directed at actual babies, but will make an exception for humans under the age of two.  That's it. 

  

Where is my Beyonce?

Yeah, yeah...I'm WAY behind in blogging.  Considering I reach an audience of approximately two people, I'm pretty sure the world hasn't stopped turning just yet.


Let's see...not being good about the gym or the diet...maybe that update will be more impressive next time.  Oh wait - I did have time to start a diet, lose 14 pounds, stop the diet and gain 9 of them back.  Totally forgot that part.  Maybe my real action item between now and the next blog is to be less productive.  I can totally do that.


My faithful traveling companion / natural disaster initiator shared this awesome blog with me Knock Knock, MoFo.  It is 110% worth the read, unless you're wearing mascara and don't want to look like a raccoon after the fits of laughter.  Seriously.  Read it.

Now that you've read about Beyonce, you can imagine the lessons I've learned from it.  Don't be passive aggressive.  Make statements... preferably via large statues of poultry...but definitely get your point across in a memorable manner.  Always ask yourself, "what would Beyonce do?"

Would Beyonce tell the new boss off?  Probably not.  Obviously, she's classy and the strong, silent type that observes at first.  When an annoying, crazy ex-acquaintance won't leave you alone and wants to have a passive aggressive argument with your old cell phone...what would Beyonce do?  Oh, she'd definitely email a bitch.  I listened to my inner Beyonce and she is smart.  Of course, Crazy Girl is still trying to make contact with me a month later.  I thought "we were never friends...leave me alone" was pretty clear, but maybe she needs a Beyonce at her door.

One should be careful not to get carried away when making statements, though.  A co-worker was a victim of a Wal-Mart incident earlier this week.

What in the world?  Hit and run?  Nope...no scratches or paint marks.  Shopping cart gone wild?  Nope.  Freak meteor shower?  Nope.  Ass impact after ripping out a weave in a girl fight?  Clearly.  Now that's high class...how did you end up in jail?  I ripped a girl's weave out and hit a car with my ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Do not ever question my hatred for Wal-Mart again.  Seriously.

Best Day Ever

Well, today has actually been a rather shitty one, with me having to admit to some of my biggest insecurities, challenges, and fears.  However, it has also been pretty great in a splendidly dorky fashion.

If you know me at all, you know I'm Tristan Prettyman's biggest fan.  No, I am not a stalker.  I totally don't have a restraining order or anything like that.  A friend drug me, kicking and screaming, to a Jason Mraz show 10-ish years ago and who was opening for him?  A girl who sang about smitten kittens...and being void...and evaporated...and kinda just wanting your kiss.  While I'm pretty void and evaporated these days, the last one was totally me back then.  I was a serial make-out-er and kind of miss those days.  Anyway, it was a great EP and I listened to it non-stop after the show for months.  Fast forward 10-ish years and I've lost it.  It's not available on iTunes, her website, or in stores.

Well...guess who found it?  That would be me.  While reading her blog today...aka avoiding work...I found a post from months ago about having extra cd's for sale.  I flew out of my comfort zone and emailed her (gasp!) to see if she had any left.  She does!  Yay!  My copy (one of the last two she has) will be on its way shortly!  AND - the dorkiest part?  She responded back to my last email to tell me that my email signature is amazing.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I stole the inspiration for my signature from my brother, but he doesn't read this - or email her - so I'll be taking credit this time.

Yes, that's super dorky, I know...but it's also nice to know that Crystal and I aren't the only two people in the country that think Socialists are sexy.

Also amazing - her new song.  Check it out.

Say Anything - Tristan Prettyman

A New Theory

I've read that guys who bite their nails are supposed to be great in bed.  Apparently there's an association between nail biting and intensity.  Perhaps it's an experiment worth looking into, but my old crazy boss pretty much ruined that theory for me.

Personally, I've always been a teeth person.  I'm open minded, but if I feel like I'm going in to kiss Jaws, I get a bit uncomfortable.  However, I think the nail theorists might be onto something.  Accordingly, I'd like to propose my own addendum to this theory.  I think that guys' skill in the sack can be judged by the condition of their nails.

I think the condition speaks directly to experience.  Further, I think guys' nails scream how much they're getting better than any other trait or characteristic.  Haven't you seen a guy who is otherwise cute, but has jagged nails that you know would cause injury if introduced to a certain sensitive area?  Or worse - nails so dirty you know they would lead to an unpleasant infection?

Additional hypotheses are welcome...as are suggestions as to how I can stop looking at guys' nails when they talk!  I'm not overwhelmingly pleased with this new obsession.

In the meantime, this should be a warning read in conjunction with the blog discussing eHarmony answers one should not use.

Happy Dating!

How Many Ways Can You Say Awkward?

Let's skip the counting and go straight to the answer.  "No, New Boy, I can't go out with you on Sunday because I'm going to a sex toy party with my ex boyfriend's mother."  Pretty much sums up my current world.

So, when Old Boy and I broke up, I lost almost all of my social circle.  I know, they were his friends first, but for whatever reason, I really thought they would still be my friends on the side, too.  Umm, no.  Silly me.  A handful of people still acknowledged my presence, one of whom was the ex's future sister-in-law.  As part of her pre-wedding fun, her future sister-in-law is throwing her a "brown bag party."  And her future mother-in-law is coming.  Woo freaking hoo.  I feel like I should go...but should is such a dirty word...and yes, the New Boy did ask what my plans were for Sunday and I confessed.  We flirt about polygamy...adding a sex toy talk to the mix can't hurt, right?

In other exciting news, I took on new projects at work today.  I'm really excited about the opportunities and getting new exposure, etc.  I have a sneaking suspicion that this is somewhat contradictory to the whole "work less, live more" goal of this experiment.

Oh, and the gym?  What's that?  Haven't been since I started the blog!  I think I'm starting to make Charlie Sheen look like an actual winner.

eHarmony Advice

I know - two blogs in one day.  I'm running the risk of being really obnoxious.  However, this is basically a public service announcement for boys participating in online dating.  When one reaches the step in eHarmony where he receives three questions from a girl (particularly from a mean girl) these should never, NEVER, NEVER be his best answers.


1 - What are your favorite things to do in your spare time?
Being a graduate student I don't have as much spare time as I would like. However I enjoy driving my mustang, watching movies, listening to music, hanging out with friends, playing with my cats. I hope to start volunteering for a animal shelter after I graduate and get settled into a job.

2 - You get to plan a trip anywhere in the world. What five places must be on your list?
Paris, just because. Hawaii, because it is so beautiful. Key West, because I saw it on "Must Love Cats" and thought it was almost as beautiful as Hawaii. Mystic CT, for family history stuff and to eat at Mystic Pizza. I guess my last place would be either Rome or South America to see the ruins.

3 - Are you doing what you love? If not, what would you rather be doing?
Yes and no. I am currently trying to finish a dissertation on a topic that I am not interested in. On the other hand I am doing it so that I can graduate and start working in the field that I am interested in.

Also, one should not use "titiwawa" as his username.  Different guy, but an equally important tip.

Uh-oh...Someone Warn The Pope!

On my own, I don't have terrible luck...in the sense that my house hasn't burned down and I've never been hit cartoon style by a falling piano. Also, I love to travel...but not alone. Luckily, I have a great friend who likes to travel as much as I do, if not more. She's a great travel companion in that she has a shit ton of vacation time, will go anywhere, doesn't bitch, and lets me be obsessive compulsive about pre-trip planning. I'm pretty sure she just puts the IM on mute and goes about her business as I obsess, but I give her credit for not signing out and ditching me.

So why is this a blog topic? Because I'm going to share all of our fun travel stories? Not so much. Combined, we have TERRIBLE luck. Not bad luck like our flights are delayed or our bags get lost - TERRIBLE luck like natural disasters chase after our plans. Some may say we somehow cause these disasters, but I prefer to think they chase after us as a challenge.

Excluding challenges related to broken bones, unmarked vans speeding through rain forests when they should be at the beach, and screaming children, two of the better examples include -

The January 2010 Haitian Earthquake! Seriously. We had tickets to the 2010 Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver to see the US take on Canada in hockey. We were so excited and talked all kinds of trash to make people jealous. Clearly we're mean girls. Anyway, before we could go, all holy hell broke loose in Haiti - where she lives - and we had to cancel the trip.

In November 2010 we planned to go to the Dominican Republic for a long weekend. What happened? Oh, just a bacterial epidemic called Cholera. When did it migrate from Haiti to the Dominican Republic? Three days before our trip. I won't even discuss the Mickey Mouse rally that was waiting for us outside the hotel when we finally got there other than to say that it made Cholera seem appealing.

Perhaps now you're asking what the Pope has to do with this. Well, I found out yesterday that I'll be flying to Rome (yay!) while my friend is in the same town for work (fun!) on Friday the 13th (SCARY!!!) You may also recall that I have recently made smart comments in this blog about Roman Catholics. Someone should warn the Pope...Vatican City may never be the same.

P.S. - Being the stereotypical single lady I am, I should probably arrange for my cat to have a back-up home in the event my plane goes down...or Vesuvius erupts again...or Europe just falls off the planet. See below for her application.

More Rules

Rule # 643 - Facebook is the devil.

I thought I already learned this rule when stalking my ex months ago...apparently not.  Instead I met an eHarmony boy online, did the whole answer questions, email, yada yada yada thing, and then exchanged real email addresses.  Well, having his last name seemed like the perfect reason to check him out on Facebook.  Innocent enough, right?

NO!  Whenever you find yourself about to hit "search" - just stop!  No good can come of Facebook stalking!  When looking up the aforementioned new boy, guess what I found?  We had a mutual friend!  Was our mutual friend one of my real friends?  Nope.  A band?  Nope.  A politician?  Everyone likes Obama, after all.  Wrong again.  Our mutual friend was a guy from my past who liked to call himself the King of Casual Sex.  High class.  Now, I think calling yourself the King of Casual Sex is kind of like when people talk about how much money they have - a cover for the fact that they have no money, or in this case, sex.  This could easily lead to Rule #643a - no dating friends of the King of Casual Sex.  It's too soon to tell, but I'll keep you updated.

Rule # 847


This rule is for the boys.  Just like you want us to use current pictures so you aren't shocked by the wrinkles, gray hair, or extra pounds when you meet us in person, we'd like for you to use pictures that clearly identify your gender.  Now I'm all for people loving whomever they love.  I personally am interested in dating men.  It is not overwhelmingly helpful for me when I am viewing new matches and am left with gender questions.

I discussed my newest match (the one with the classless can't stand from earlier) with one of my friends and told her I wasn't entirely sure he was male.  Her response: "oooh, maybe it's Shane!"  Shane would be the hot androgynous character from The L Word that exuded such confidence that straight women even had crushes on her.  My unfortunate response: "no, more like Max."  Max was the character transitioning from a female to a male through massive amounts of testosterone injections which left him rather unbalanced.  The eHarmony guy in question keeps asking me about pets.  I'm not sure if it's because he's a sweet guy with a warm heart or because he wants to know if I have one he can kill and dismember in my sleep.  Oh, the joys of dating...

Really?

Did I really just get this as a "can't stand" from an eHarmony boy?

"I can't stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis."

Who says that?  Isn't that just implied?  It's on a similar level as the chunky guy who said he can't stand people who are overweight.  Maybe I'm overly sensitive to the whole "can't stand" position as it's a bit harsh.  Still...

I need a free form "can't stand" option.  Can't stand people with zero class.  Sheesh!

self employed/auto sales/business investor/pro musician

Before the important post-date update, let me introduce you to my latest winning match...and I do mean Charlie Sheen style winning.  He's a "self employed/auto sales/business investor/pro musician."  Now you don't meet those often.

So far I've been on two dates and I've already been called Goldilocks.  The first one was too old and the second might be too young.  Seriously, though - is it important that I know that your house has two two car garages?  Do we need to talk about having kids on the first date?  Most painful might have been hearing that my date hadn't heard of Family Ties.  Really?  People don't know Alex P. Keaton?  Wow I'm old.

Going on the dates just led to what I would like to call careful thinking.  Others may say obsessive compulsive analysis, but they aren't writing this, are they?

First - what to wear?!?!  I believe I planned 14 outfits for the first date.  I hereby apologize to everyone who had to listen to me plan.  It's not like one outfit made me suddenly look like a size 2, so did it really matter?  I was convinced that if I didn't make exactly the right decision, Tampa Boy (names changed to protect the innocent) would run away screaming in disgust.

Next issue?  Where to meet?  And for what?  Coffee seemed to be the top suggestion, but I can't leap outside of my comfort zone stone cold sober!  I didn't win this round...coffee was scheduled as date 1.

Panic time!  Standing outside the restaurant waiting for Tampa Boy was quite possibly the most unpleasant 5 hours (or 5 minutes - I lost count) of my recent life.  My heart nearly beat out of my chest and it was all I could do to keep my morning Diet Coke down.  What a sexy start to the date!

Coffee turned into dinner, which seemed to be a good sign, but things went off track somewhere between the two two car garages and my museum attendance.  The derailment could have been due to my discomfort as I couldn't figure out how I was at dinner with such an attractive guy and I had to figure out what was wrong with him.  Clearly he was planning to kill me in the parking lot.  Note to self - there's probably a limit to the number of times one can make the serial killer joke.  The evening ended with "yeah, let's talk soon."  Uh huh.

I thought I was home free after surviving the date itself.  Wrong!  Then came the really obsessive thinking - did I do something wrong?  Did I care if I did something wrong?  Should I thank him for the evening?  We split costs, so the best I could think was that I should thank him for letting me live.  Not so hot.  Luckily I had a backup waiting in the wings.

I'm not sure what's going to happen with the backup, but I can say he is a definite step up from my ex.  Oh - and highly important - he isn't Roman Catholic and cross wearing.  Not that there's anything wrong with it, per se, but I'm really not interested in being smacked in the face by Jesus on a cross during intimate moments again.

Rules

In the spirit of full disclosure, and why blog if not to disclose fully, I'm a nerd who likes rules.  I like to know what's going to happen.  Let's be honest, I like to be in control.  I'll settle for being able to predict the future through reasonable expectations.  

Dating used to be about rules.  They've changed over the years - from "good" girls not calling boys to "The Rules" of the 1990s that told us exactly what to do if we wanted to snare a millionaire or otherwise catch the man of our dreams.  What I've found most distressing about this whole internet dating thing, aside from dealing with the aforementioned weight gain, is that there are no rules.  Everyone has tips and suggestions - but there's no Excel file with everything laid out for me!  No rules!  How will I survive this experiment?

I'll make the rules up myself, based on my experiences and those of my friends.

A few starters:

1 - Don't tell your mother.  I don't know about you, but mine would kill me...or follow me on dates to make sure I didn't run off with a sociopath.   

2 - Respond to everyone who initiates contact.  I know it's not easy for me to step out of my comfort zone and make the first move, so it's only fair to acknowledge those who do make that step.

3 - Rule number 2 does not apply in the case of poor grammar.  Everyone makes mistakes, which can be overlooked, but if you don't want to be called "Rose Peddle" one day, make sure your date understands singular vs. plural and homophones.

4 - Make sure you can still squeeze into the outfits in your profile pictures.  It is definitely tempting to use older, more flattering pictures, but this will only bite you in the ass when meeting someone for the first time.  

5 - Men are hunters.  Let them hunt.  ARGH!

Additional rules to be determined - What is the best timeline for initial contact to meeting in person?  When do you take communications outside the online dating tool?  When can you be alone with new dates?  Do you Facebook stalk them?

So much to think about!  Is this experiment over yet?  Online dating makes going to the gym look fun!

 

Why Not?

Until recently, I would have described things in my personal life as terrible.  Last year I ended a disastrous relationship and lost the majority of my social network, threw myself into work, let my job become entirely too much of my life, pulled away from the few friends that stuck with me through the breakup, and generally became a bitchy, mean girl.  Oh - and I dealt with it all by gaining more weight that I care to admit.  Hello, pity party!

Then, as in all good stories, something amazing happened!  Not winning the lottery amazing, unfortunately, but in the long run, maybe the emotional equivalent of finding a lottery ticket with almost all the numbers.  Now I just have to find the missing pieces and I'll get to cash it in for a life I truly appreciate and enjoy.  

What happened, you ask?  I found a blog that put my whiny ass right in its place.  Big Girl + Little Girl  If Kate's story of figuring out how to triumph over a tragedy of such magnitude doesn't make my "troubles" seem insignificant, I don't know what could.  I have never met Kate, nor do I have much in common with her, but she has inspired me to appreciate every minute because you never know when things will go completely off track and change forever.  So now I just have to figure out how to do that.  Unfortunately, it's not as easy as just making the decision.

What keeps me from enjoying every minute?  Am I the person I want to be?  Do I want to share my world with anyone?  Why not leave my comfort zone?  How do I get to happy?  

The obvious answers include working less, finding more time for fun, and re-introducing myself to the gym.  The less expected answer to the questions of stepping outside of my comfort zone and sharing my world with someone else became "why not try online dating?"  This is completely out of my character and I expect it may be my ticket to a Lifetime movie.  However, my rule for the year is try (most) anything once.  This should be interesting...