Red Flags and Rose Peddles

I knew my last relationship was over when my ex called me his "little rose peddle."  It wasn't a typo.  He repeated it multiple times...and each time I fought back the urge to vomit all over my phone.  Since it was a brand new iPhone...that he was supposed to give me the money for...I resisted the urge.  Looking back, I should have gone with it.  Of course, when we look back it's always easier to see the red flags.

A friend of mine is equally gifted in picking out winning boys to date, but I got an email today that let me know she's learning!  The grasshopper may surpass the teacher soon.

Email received today - names changed to protect the innocent and deter the pathological.

Okay, so the back story to this is that this guy (Jake) is the home owners insurance guy who came out after those storms to check Casey's roof.  She immediately called me and told me how awesome he was.  I, of course, am remembering Albie who was also "perfect" for me.  I sent him an email and today get this reply.  I'm thinking serial killer.  Look at his grammar, lack of capitalization, lack of punctuation, run on sentences...including "lol" in the middle of an email.  And the "have a good day and ill be watching."  I'm hoping he meant he'll be watching for my email...not that he'll be stalking me.

(This part is why we're friends.)  Of course I will continue to correspond with him, for entertainment value and research, but I just wanted to point out that I am learning - I can see the red flags.


For your entertainment, Jake's response -

"I hope she did also.  Sorry it has taken me so long to respond i'm just so busy today is the first time i have checked my personal email in weeks.  So what exactly has she said about me and my baby face?  I will check my email more now so if you want you can email me back and maybe we can get to know each other a little, or as well as you can through email lol.  Have a good day and ill be watching."

Ick.  Not dating material...unless perhaps he bites his nails (Nail Theory) and has interesting tattoos/piercings...but that's for another blog.  For now, I'll hope no one ends up in a Lifetime movie or a rose peddle situation.

Lucky

While recently trying to convince a friend that she has lots of good things in her life despite the current challenges she is dealing with, I was reminded that I might not always be vocal enough about realizing how lucky I am.  I'm good at bitching.  Hell, I'm great at bitching.  I should be clear, though, that I do know I have it good.

I went to Europe in May and had a great natural disaster free time.  Several times during what has become an annual trip I thought to myself "is this really my life?  How did I get so lucky?"

As usual, there were different tones to these questions throughout the trip. 

The glass wall I walked into head first.
Lesson learned - never underestimate
the importance of a morning coffee.

The bus on top of which I perched for a great
view of Dublin.  Until I was hit in the face by a tree.

Me...heels...alcohol...cobblestone.
You do the math.

Why does the world think Americans are dumb?
Oh yeah...

And my tone changes
while walking through Angels and Demons.

The second set of Spanish Steps we found...
subway shortcuts should be used with caution.

Keats and I in the same place?  The Republicans loved it!

One of my favorite moments ever.

Maybe my business casual dress code isn't so bad after all.

Three countries in two days.  Magnets!

Impressive.
Doubles as a no-holds-barred mosh pit Sundays at noon.

Behind the scenes of Vatican City.

Maybe I hit a beggar with an umbrella here.
It was totally not intentional.
Really.

Dublin is awesome.  Best weekend of the year.

Who doesn't love a musical pub crawl?

Temple Bar in Temple Bar.

Some awesome Irish musicians.
I wanted to take them home with me.
Should have at least bought the cd.

The Dublin Spire...aka The Spike,
The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto,
The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin,
 The Stiffy at the Liffey,
The Erection in the Intersection,
The Rod to God, and the end of Liberal Boy.
(Buh-Bye LB)

Brugges

The small beer...
The waiter laughed at me for ordering it!

Not a bad place for after work happy hour.

Who doesn't love a year-round
Christmas-ish tree with scary birds on it?
Every hotel should have one.

So yeah, in conclusion, I know I'm damn lucky.  Watch out, though, the bitching will resume tomorrow.

Love It!

What Not to Date

If nothing else, my friends and I are becoming experts at who not to date.  If you eliminate the guys below, will there be any left?

Ladies, beware when confronted by the following men:

Men who habitually use bad grammar and spelling (they should at least be trained to use spell check by the time they reach adulthood).
Men who have more emotional baggage than you.
Men with multiple felonies.
Men who are over 30 and live at home by choice.
Italians.  Yes, all of them.  If in doubt, refer to MTV's Jersey Shore.
Australians - Don't get fooled by their accent and liberal use of "crikey."
Men who play WoW/Call of Duty.
Men who are/might be virgins or near virgins.
Men who can't handle you drunk and obnoxious (once in a while).
Men who you can't tolerate without being drunk.
Men who tell you they love you before you've ever gone on a date.
Men who don't get along with your family.
Men who have never done anything, thereby making you dumb your own adventures down in order not to look like you're bragging.
Men who freak out about driving on the highway.
Men who think leaving their town/suburb qualifies as traveling.
Men who have dumped you before/told you to get out of their house (and meant it).
Men whose family you can't get along with absent the benefit of therapy.
Men who hunt and expect you to get up at 5 am to go sit in a tree so that you can hunt...or perform sexual favors so they can stay awake.
Men without ambition.
Men who have not been to college.
Men whose jobs require excessive traveling and UN men in general should be evaluated with a more skeptical eye (through STD testing and marriage/divorce/birth records search).
Men who are restaurant managers.
Men who cannot use any toilet but the one in their own house.
Men who have a sick obsession with Elvis.
Men who say things like "I'm going to blow."

The driver of this car...complete with race car seat belts and helmet.

This guy, for sure...and the one driving...

This list can, and will, be updated at any time.  Check back often.

More Rules

A collection of rules I've heard or decided upon in the last few weeks...

1 - It is a good general rule to aim to keep one's hoo-ha off camera.  This came up in discussion with a pregnant friend recently, but I think it's a good life rule.  You never know when you're going to end up pissing off whoever has the footage.  I think mean girls are more likely to end up on camera, hoo-ha to the world, but they are also more likely to piss someone off.  Not to mention, you don't want to throw away your shot at being President / World Dominator with one drunken picture. 

2 - If a new boy invites you to a hotel that advertises with a "Rooms for $39.99" sign...RUN.  I'm not saying the Red Roof Inn is for hookers, but...well...yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying.

3 - If you're going to lie about being a world traveler, do your research!  I recently went on a date with a boy who had supposedly been to Dublin time after time.  Having just been to Dublin myself, I mentioned the Dublin Spire (aka The Spike, The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto, The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin, The Stiffy at the Liffey, The Erection in the Intersection, The Rod to God, etc.) and he had no clue what I was talking about!  Perhaps the dye from his purple, blue, and red hair affected his memory...or perhaps he's a sociopath...

4 - Always travel Republican.  See below.  Enough said.

5 - Baby talk isn't cute.  Ever.  I don't even like it when directed at actual babies, but will make an exception for humans under the age of two.  That's it. 

  

Where is my Beyonce?

Yeah, yeah...I'm WAY behind in blogging.  Considering I reach an audience of approximately two people, I'm pretty sure the world hasn't stopped turning just yet.


Let's see...not being good about the gym or the diet...maybe that update will be more impressive next time.  Oh wait - I did have time to start a diet, lose 14 pounds, stop the diet and gain 9 of them back.  Totally forgot that part.  Maybe my real action item between now and the next blog is to be less productive.  I can totally do that.


My faithful traveling companion / natural disaster initiator shared this awesome blog with me Knock Knock, MoFo.  It is 110% worth the read, unless you're wearing mascara and don't want to look like a raccoon after the fits of laughter.  Seriously.  Read it.

Now that you've read about Beyonce, you can imagine the lessons I've learned from it.  Don't be passive aggressive.  Make statements... preferably via large statues of poultry...but definitely get your point across in a memorable manner.  Always ask yourself, "what would Beyonce do?"

Would Beyonce tell the new boss off?  Probably not.  Obviously, she's classy and the strong, silent type that observes at first.  When an annoying, crazy ex-acquaintance won't leave you alone and wants to have a passive aggressive argument with your old cell phone...what would Beyonce do?  Oh, she'd definitely email a bitch.  I listened to my inner Beyonce and she is smart.  Of course, Crazy Girl is still trying to make contact with me a month later.  I thought "we were never friends...leave me alone" was pretty clear, but maybe she needs a Beyonce at her door.

One should be careful not to get carried away when making statements, though.  A co-worker was a victim of a Wal-Mart incident earlier this week.

What in the world?  Hit and run?  Nope...no scratches or paint marks.  Shopping cart gone wild?  Nope.  Freak meteor shower?  Nope.  Ass impact after ripping out a weave in a girl fight?  Clearly.  Now that's high class...how did you end up in jail?  I ripped a girl's weave out and hit a car with my ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Do not ever question my hatred for Wal-Mart again.  Seriously.

Best Day Ever

Well, today has actually been a rather shitty one, with me having to admit to some of my biggest insecurities, challenges, and fears.  However, it has also been pretty great in a splendidly dorky fashion.

If you know me at all, you know I'm Tristan Prettyman's biggest fan.  No, I am not a stalker.  I totally don't have a restraining order or anything like that.  A friend drug me, kicking and screaming, to a Jason Mraz show 10-ish years ago and who was opening for him?  A girl who sang about smitten kittens...and being void...and evaporated...and kinda just wanting your kiss.  While I'm pretty void and evaporated these days, the last one was totally me back then.  I was a serial make-out-er and kind of miss those days.  Anyway, it was a great EP and I listened to it non-stop after the show for months.  Fast forward 10-ish years and I've lost it.  It's not available on iTunes, her website, or in stores.

Well...guess who found it?  That would be me.  While reading her blog today...aka avoiding work...I found a post from months ago about having extra cd's for sale.  I flew out of my comfort zone and emailed her (gasp!) to see if she had any left.  She does!  Yay!  My copy (one of the last two she has) will be on its way shortly!  AND - the dorkiest part?  She responded back to my last email to tell me that my email signature is amazing.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I stole the inspiration for my signature from my brother, but he doesn't read this - or email her - so I'll be taking credit this time.

Yes, that's super dorky, I know...but it's also nice to know that Crystal and I aren't the only two people in the country that think Socialists are sexy.

Also amazing - her new song.  Check it out.

Say Anything - Tristan Prettyman