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What Not to Date

If nothing else, my friends and I are becoming experts at who not to date.  If you eliminate the guys below, will there be any left?

Ladies, beware when confronted by the following men:

Men who habitually use bad grammar and spelling (they should at least be trained to use spell check by the time they reach adulthood).
Men who have more emotional baggage than you.
Men with multiple felonies.
Men who are over 30 and live at home by choice.
Italians.  Yes, all of them.  If in doubt, refer to MTV's Jersey Shore.
Australians - Don't get fooled by their accent and liberal use of "crikey."
Men who play WoW/Call of Duty.
Men who are/might be virgins or near virgins.
Men who can't handle you drunk and obnoxious (once in a while).
Men who you can't tolerate without being drunk.
Men who tell you they love you before you've ever gone on a date.
Men who don't get along with your family.
Men who have never done anything, thereby making you dumb your own adventures down in order not to look like you're bragging.
Men who freak out about driving on the highway.
Men who think leaving their town/suburb qualifies as traveling.
Men who have dumped you before/told you to get out of their house (and meant it).
Men whose family you can't get along with absent the benefit of therapy.
Men who hunt and expect you to get up at 5 am to go sit in a tree so that you can hunt...or perform sexual favors so they can stay awake.
Men without ambition.
Men who have not been to college.
Men whose jobs require excessive traveling and UN men in general should be evaluated with a more skeptical eye (through STD testing and marriage/divorce/birth records search).
Men who are restaurant managers.
Men who cannot use any toilet but the one in their own house.
Men who have a sick obsession with Elvis.
Men who say things like "I'm going to blow."

The driver of this car...complete with race car seat belts and helmet.

This guy, for sure...and the one driving...

This list can, and will, be updated at any time.  Check back often.

More Rules

A collection of rules I've heard or decided upon in the last few weeks...

1 - It is a good general rule to aim to keep one's hoo-ha off camera.  This came up in discussion with a pregnant friend recently, but I think it's a good life rule.  You never know when you're going to end up pissing off whoever has the footage.  I think mean girls are more likely to end up on camera, hoo-ha to the world, but they are also more likely to piss someone off.  Not to mention, you don't want to throw away your shot at being President / World Dominator with one drunken picture. 

2 - If a new boy invites you to a hotel that advertises with a "Rooms for $39.99" sign...RUN.  I'm not saying the Red Roof Inn is for hookers, but...well...yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying.

3 - If you're going to lie about being a world traveler, do your research!  I recently went on a date with a boy who had supposedly been to Dublin time after time.  Having just been to Dublin myself, I mentioned the Dublin Spire (aka The Spike, The Binge Syringe, The Stiletto in the Ghetto, The Nail in the Pale, The Pin in the Bin, The Stiffy at the Liffey, The Erection in the Intersection, The Rod to God, etc.) and he had no clue what I was talking about!  Perhaps the dye from his purple, blue, and red hair affected his memory...or perhaps he's a sociopath...

4 - Always travel Republican.  See below.  Enough said.

5 - Baby talk isn't cute.  Ever.  I don't even like it when directed at actual babies, but will make an exception for humans under the age of two.  That's it. 

  

Where is my Beyonce?

Yeah, yeah...I'm WAY behind in blogging.  Considering I reach an audience of approximately two people, I'm pretty sure the world hasn't stopped turning just yet.


Let's see...not being good about the gym or the diet...maybe that update will be more impressive next time.  Oh wait - I did have time to start a diet, lose 14 pounds, stop the diet and gain 9 of them back.  Totally forgot that part.  Maybe my real action item between now and the next blog is to be less productive.  I can totally do that.


My faithful traveling companion / natural disaster initiator shared this awesome blog with me Knock Knock, MoFo.  It is 110% worth the read, unless you're wearing mascara and don't want to look like a raccoon after the fits of laughter.  Seriously.  Read it.

Now that you've read about Beyonce, you can imagine the lessons I've learned from it.  Don't be passive aggressive.  Make statements... preferably via large statues of poultry...but definitely get your point across in a memorable manner.  Always ask yourself, "what would Beyonce do?"

Would Beyonce tell the new boss off?  Probably not.  Obviously, she's classy and the strong, silent type that observes at first.  When an annoying, crazy ex-acquaintance won't leave you alone and wants to have a passive aggressive argument with your old cell phone...what would Beyonce do?  Oh, she'd definitely email a bitch.  I listened to my inner Beyonce and she is smart.  Of course, Crazy Girl is still trying to make contact with me a month later.  I thought "we were never friends...leave me alone" was pretty clear, but maybe she needs a Beyonce at her door.

One should be careful not to get carried away when making statements, though.  A co-worker was a victim of a Wal-Mart incident earlier this week.

What in the world?  Hit and run?  Nope...no scratches or paint marks.  Shopping cart gone wild?  Nope.  Freak meteor shower?  Nope.  Ass impact after ripping out a weave in a girl fight?  Clearly.  Now that's high class...how did you end up in jail?  I ripped a girl's weave out and hit a car with my ass in the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Do not ever question my hatred for Wal-Mart again.  Seriously.

Best Day Ever

Well, today has actually been a rather shitty one, with me having to admit to some of my biggest insecurities, challenges, and fears.  However, it has also been pretty great in a splendidly dorky fashion.

If you know me at all, you know I'm Tristan Prettyman's biggest fan.  No, I am not a stalker.  I totally don't have a restraining order or anything like that.  A friend drug me, kicking and screaming, to a Jason Mraz show 10-ish years ago and who was opening for him?  A girl who sang about smitten kittens...and being void...and evaporated...and kinda just wanting your kiss.  While I'm pretty void and evaporated these days, the last one was totally me back then.  I was a serial make-out-er and kind of miss those days.  Anyway, it was a great EP and I listened to it non-stop after the show for months.  Fast forward 10-ish years and I've lost it.  It's not available on iTunes, her website, or in stores.

Well...guess who found it?  That would be me.  While reading her blog today...aka avoiding work...I found a post from months ago about having extra cd's for sale.  I flew out of my comfort zone and emailed her (gasp!) to see if she had any left.  She does!  Yay!  My copy (one of the last two she has) will be on its way shortly!  AND - the dorkiest part?  She responded back to my last email to tell me that my email signature is amazing.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I stole the inspiration for my signature from my brother, but he doesn't read this - or email her - so I'll be taking credit this time.

Yes, that's super dorky, I know...but it's also nice to know that Crystal and I aren't the only two people in the country that think Socialists are sexy.

Also amazing - her new song.  Check it out.

Say Anything - Tristan Prettyman

A New Theory

I've read that guys who bite their nails are supposed to be great in bed.  Apparently there's an association between nail biting and intensity.  Perhaps it's an experiment worth looking into, but my old crazy boss pretty much ruined that theory for me.

Personally, I've always been a teeth person.  I'm open minded, but if I feel like I'm going in to kiss Jaws, I get a bit uncomfortable.  However, I think the nail theorists might be onto something.  Accordingly, I'd like to propose my own addendum to this theory.  I think that guys' skill in the sack can be judged by the condition of their nails.

I think the condition speaks directly to experience.  Further, I think guys' nails scream how much they're getting better than any other trait or characteristic.  Haven't you seen a guy who is otherwise cute, but has jagged nails that you know would cause injury if introduced to a certain sensitive area?  Or worse - nails so dirty you know they would lead to an unpleasant infection?

Additional hypotheses are welcome...as are suggestions as to how I can stop looking at guys' nails when they talk!  I'm not overwhelmingly pleased with this new obsession.

In the meantime, this should be a warning read in conjunction with the blog discussing eHarmony answers one should not use.

Happy Dating!

How Many Ways Can You Say Awkward?

Let's skip the counting and go straight to the answer.  "No, New Boy, I can't go out with you on Sunday because I'm going to a sex toy party with my ex boyfriend's mother."  Pretty much sums up my current world.

So, when Old Boy and I broke up, I lost almost all of my social circle.  I know, they were his friends first, but for whatever reason, I really thought they would still be my friends on the side, too.  Umm, no.  Silly me.  A handful of people still acknowledged my presence, one of whom was the ex's future sister-in-law.  As part of her pre-wedding fun, her future sister-in-law is throwing her a "brown bag party."  And her future mother-in-law is coming.  Woo freaking hoo.  I feel like I should go...but should is such a dirty word...and yes, the New Boy did ask what my plans were for Sunday and I confessed.  We flirt about polygamy...adding a sex toy talk to the mix can't hurt, right?

In other exciting news, I took on new projects at work today.  I'm really excited about the opportunities and getting new exposure, etc.  I have a sneaking suspicion that this is somewhat contradictory to the whole "work less, live more" goal of this experiment.

Oh, and the gym?  What's that?  Haven't been since I started the blog!  I think I'm starting to make Charlie Sheen look like an actual winner.